Oh and Chinese New Year is in a week! I have been a little too swamped to notice; this year has just flown by. CNY *and* Valentine’s Day for that matter.
I would just like to say for the record that at this point in my life, despite the growing piles of work (and corresponding long hours), the various hassles of wedding prep, and impending old age (you know it’s true), I feel absolutely … unafraid.
It’s odd how being in a bookstore always helps me figure out what I want to read, from the unread books I already have.
I should begin by saying that I own many, many books. My love for reading is surpassed only by my love for acquiring books. And my love for acquiring books is driven in part by the “want what you can’t have” mentality. I suffer from the problem where, once I’ve acquired a book, I lose the will to read it. I could be reading in the bookstore for 30 minutes before the store closes, and finally decide to buy the book – and once I’m home, nope, no longer interested. I’ve run my fingers across beautifully bound copies of books I still yearn to read, like John Rawls’ Lectures in Political Philosophy, and now that I own a copy, have only read chapters here and there. As you can see, I have a problem. But I am glad to report that I have in recent months recognised this problem and learned to control it.
If I was a little more self-absorbed, I would call this the theory of re-acquisition – the idea that you can view things afresh by reliving the feeling of acquiring something you already have. But I will resist from applying this theory to other aspects of my life, and focus on books.
[I should explain what I think are the origins of this problem. There was a time in my life when I could actually consume books at the same rate as which they were bought, and back then I did buy new books often and read them. But now that I can't do that, the unread books have started to pile up. I call this the "NS syndrome." Which I will also resist from applying to other aspects of my life.]
Here’s a recent example. A couple weeks back, I finished reading “The Omnivore’s Dilemma” and was thinking about what to read next. I scoured my shelves and tried to think about the sort of book I feel like reading – “Might be time for some fiction, but don’t really feel quite done with non-fiction for now” – and of course, I couldn’t find anything I wanted to read. So I decided that a trip to the bookstore was in order. (Coincidentally “Omnivore” wasn’t a book I owned, but a book that a friend from abroad left behind after staying at my place – which only demonstrates my point)
When I got to the bookstore, my heart started beating a little faster. The Idea of Justice by Amartya Sen, Parrot and Olivier in America by Peter Carey, while at the back of my mind a voice squeaks “You’re not going to read em!” – and it gets louder, and louder, until I realise – I’m not going to read them. But I’m already in front of the “C” shelf in fiction, looking for Peter Carey’s Oscar and Lucinda, running my gaze over the spines of varying thicknesses, and then I see it. The True History of the Kelly Gang.
Thank goodness I bought that one two years ago when it won the Booker Prize.
I breathe a sigh of relief, and continue to browse, my acquisitional instincts quelled. And so I emerge from the bookstore a calmer, happier, and more fulfilled person, with my wallet no worse for wear.
***
Lastly, today I bought a book. No, this is not a confession, but a recommendation – it’s good - The Singapore Lion by Irene Ng.
I’ve made my way through about 70 pages of it in a short afternoon, and feel a little awed. I wonder who the wordsmith of our generation will be.
Wah wah what happened? It’s the 5th of January already. Almost one week down?
This must be the least momentous new year I’ve had in the recent past.
Not to say that there weren’t sparklers – there were many sparklers, and they made loud scary whooshing noises when put together. All the essential elements of a good new year’s eve party were also present, viz drinks, an interesting and diverse crowd, fireworks (in the distance), and good music.
But it somehow didn’t feel like a milestone. I didn’t make any resolutions this year except that I would learn to dive (and that isn’t a new year’s resolution as much as a post-budget resolution). I think I may have even thought to myself, “oh drats, that’s the last long weekend for a long time” and then avoided making eye contact with my work laptop. I also usually have goals for the new year, but this year I really couldn’t be bothered.
I think the reason for that is that I genuinely feel that so many things went on last year. I mean… I changed jobs. I worked real hard. And I got engaged! Not that I had to do anything much more for that than say ‘yes,’ but I did subsequently have to participate in time- and energy-consuming activities, like search for property (more tiring than you think), and try on very heavy wedding gowns (waaay more tiring than you think).
So maybe this low-key new year’s eve is really just a buildup to the real milestone, mid this year. I think by then, my resolutions will be ready to go.
This week I started from zero and it felt good, although the flu hit on Thursday afternoon like a ton of bricks. LITERALLY. I was in bed from Thursday afternoon all the way till Friday night. Still feel reinvigorated though.
On Saturday afternoon, a little grumpy after my dad told me categorically that I COULD NOT GO OUT that night (which he relented on later, thank goodness or else I wouldn’t have had the chance to eat those spicy buffalo wings that gave me agonizing indigestion the whole night after) I watched a Chinese TV lecture on Habermas – the cleft-lipped post-Marxist German philosopher of communicative rationality! It actually felt like a chance meeting with an old friend. Even though I never understood Habermas (loved him all the same), it hit on a long-lost nerve.
I admit I came away thinking to myself, maybe I shouldn’t give up on the PhD idea just yet. I just can’t convince myself that being a thinker constitutes a real, full-time profession.
Then again I’ve been thinking over and over these days that what I end up achieving in life, if anything, will be done in spite of what I am full-time, not because of it.
so I’ve been on leave for one week and I’ve cut my toenails, so I should be ready to start my new job tomorrow? not.
Actually, it feels a little discouraging how the week just went by like that, without my accomplishing much of what I was supposed to. It started out with much-needed chilling out in Bintan, followed by a few frantic days of wedding-related planning (another story, but in summary, it’s all fine now), and all of a sudden it was Friday and I was watching Year One with JY (really hilarious) while replying anxious texts from my replacement back in the old job. And then well, the weekend has its own momentum and here I am.
Minimal writing, no project planning at all, and just enough exercise.
There was some productivity though. Great clarity on the wedding front, some life-planning (tears/ rage/ angst included), learned how to play chess (my new favourite game) and fit in a basketball game on Saturday morning, which was incredible, though my knees and ankles are still suffering for it. I should learn to play point guard a little better, so as to survive pickup games where I am the shortest person on the team.
Today was one of those days where I felt like I was running into a wall over and over again, and I was exhausted as I made my way home on the bus, missing good conversation and bold dreams.
But tomorrow! Tomorrow I start from zero.
Meeting all the undergrads and even (gasp) incoming freshmen at Charlene’s house, over yummy laksa, was a great way to start the week. We sat outside on the patio and talked about their summer plans and travels and core classes (C, you’ll be happy to know that “Designing the American City” was mentioned). It really brought the three of us back. For me, it put things in perspective a little, after an ego-bruising couple of weeks. I’m still not sure exactly why. Maybe it helped me recall the person I’d always wanted to be – and at this crossroads, it’s important to remember. Maybe it was talking to Jason and Adrian about medical school and feeling reassured at their matter-of-factness that it wasn’t the craziest thing I could have said. Or maybe it just reminded me how light and trivial conversation can be, and how refreshing it feels to be around people who are very different.
We had a good laugh at the Salient folks, talked about that time we were in New York, Quincy House and the mail system, Netflix, crew – and it felt like trawling through a long-forgotten book actually, more than anything else, as if I had forgotten the language of classrooms and dormitories.
On the way home, talked to A about the new job and property and weddings and relationships all that, and he says, “It’s all so real now, isn’t it?” And yes it is.
It felt amazing to be out this afternoon with colleagues, and even though the afternoon started with a tremendous downpour, it soon cleared up. I was farewelled, well and good, with a chicken-themed lunch and chocolate cake in my face, always a pleasure, and then cycling! A real treat. I need to confiscate those pictures of me with chocolate cream on my face though.
We were at this same place on my third day of work. I cycled with J and she told me about all the things that were to come, a certain M*S who would make an indelible mark on my time there, all of it – and here two years later we have come full circle. I didn’t think I would be very sad to leave, but I am – sort of like how I felt leaving college, knowing that the place would change after I leave, not because of me, but because the people who defined the experience would also be leaving. With D and J on their way out, there’s certainly no real reason to linger here.
I had a chat with J a couple days ago, and she gave me much food for thought. Must make the most of the next two years. And remember I can get through this just by being myself.
Saw old friends tonight and the usual excitement sweeps us up, and it’s good to know that we still all look out for one another.
SLEEP –
I have suddenly become very busy, and not really with work. So busy that I’m starting to have to pencil friends in a week in advance and only make it to the gym once or twice a week… I haven’t read a book in a while, if not for my iPhone I wouldn’t be tuned in to current affairs, and I certainly haven’t worked on my play in any real depth.
So what have I been doing?!
It appears that planning for a wedding and I suppose for a lifetime with someone takes up more mind-space than I thought.
And I’m paying the price for not being one of those girls who spent a lot of time dreaming about her wedding as a kid. Most girls I know, even those who don’t *really* care about getting married, have thought in some small way about their wedding. What their dress will look like, for example. What music they will walk in to. What the event will be like. I must be one of the few people I know (JY included of course) who genuinely did not find this an appealing daydream as a kid. So when my colleagues ask me things like “what do you want your dress to look like?” I can only offer “Um… something elegant?” as a reply. “Tube dress? Halter top? Lace? Silk?” – they offer helpfully. I just shake my head a little helplessly and say, “maybe a halter?” But really, I don’t know.
Bizarre as it might sound, it does feel a little like I’ve put my life on hold. Sure I’m still working on other projects, but the simple understanding is that from now until 31st July 2010, our main project will be The Wedding. We’ve made the first step – confirmed our booking at a beautiful resort. There’s still countless wedding “essentials” like the dress, the photography, the decorations and a deluge of miscellany awaiting us in the months ahead. For what it’s worth, it’s a big production. Fun, but big, and busy. Thank goodness I produced for theatre in college.
And I just thought about it this way today: For the first time since graduating I know I have to stay here for the next year at least, and almost definitely the next two. During the NDR, PM mentioned the Gardens by the Bay – a city gardens project was to be completed in 2010. I remember visiting the exhibit in 2007 or early 2008 and thinking to myself, this project is awesome! It’s such a pity that I won’t be here in 2010. But here I am.
**
The other thing that came to me today is that if I want to go to medical school, I need to turn my life around *fast*.
**
The other thing that came to me today is that if I were fitter, I would like to be a gym instructor – for the dance remixes (often of 80s’ music!) and having people do what you tell them.
It’s a weird thing, life.
In Phuket taking an undeserved holiday. Really I have no reason to be here or anywhere else besides at work, but Currun and Rachel’s visit brought us suddenly here. C and I arrived last night, took a long taxi ride to the guesthouse, then indulged in Thai food and many cocktails before taking an hour-long walk in search of the beach (we were walking the wrong way). This morning we woke up late and headed for brunch, before spending a couple hours at the beach. The waves are strong this time of year, and I didn’t swim far out, but I liked the forcefulness and greenish-blue of the waves, and how the waves look threatening, laced with a thick layer of white froth, but subside just before hitting you.
Listening to C’s ipod on the beach also felt like a blast from the past – the song that I had forgotten was “I hope tomorrow is like today.” Then an old Jacky Cheung song I had sent him in college came on, and I laughed and explained that the title means “Embracing the Sun” — very appropriate.
And Rachel is here! Looking a little frail, but here nonetheless.
It’s nice to be away, but hard to take my mind off everything that occupies me back home – mostly work and wedding prep. But we are only here for a few days and all that can wait until. We saw a lovely venue yesterday just before going to the airport, and I’m hoping we can book it. The year ahead will be full of such deliberations and research. This stuff is such a big part of our life now, and in a way unimaginable for me just two months ago, but still so exciting. Though for the next two days I’ll let that reality recede a little, and let myself be taken over by good friends and food and drink, and tackiness and sun, and idleness.
This song is tied up in my memory with DPJ who once told me she couldn’t join my revolution until she had her own revolution “in here,” she said, pointing to her heart. Having recently reconnected with DPJ I found myself thinking about that day in December right at the end of our study abroad programme and she called us all into the room to show us a slideshow she had made of our time in South Africa, and this was the song she used, Jonny Lang’s “Dying to Live”:
So I’ll keep fighting to live till there’s no reason to fight
And I’ll keep trying to see until the end is in sight
You know I’m trying to give so cmon give me a try
You know I’m dying to live until I’m ready to die
I feel like everyone is hurtling away from each other – there’s that word again- but really, I would like to have just one good conversation lying on the grass somewhere with a cup of tea in hand (or a beer). I want to ask DPJ what Kentucky is really like. Or find out what Cas was really doing in NOLA, or ask Allie why the hell she’s still babysitting in DC after two years? Especially now when everyone (including myself) is just moving places so fast, can we just have a little bit of time, and a bit of geographical shrinkage, just for a cup of tea (or a beer)?
And speaking of hurtling, here we are less than 2 degrees north of the equator, hurtling towards July and well, a whole new future, though it doesn’t feel as hurtl-y as it does, well, glide-y. We are gliding through now, facing the wind, and it is an unbelievable feeling.
